Cultivating The Right Friendship Circle
Issue 13: A Look Into The Book "The Things We Do To Our Friends" by Heather Darwent
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This week I wanted to tap into different genres and decided to dive into a dark academia book with a great twist at the end! The Things We Do To Our Friends by Heather Darwent is very well written in my opinion, but also sheds light on how personality variations can impact those affected as well as those in their immediate environment.
Although this title might seem misaligned with the books I usually draw from, recently I’ve been more called to read fiction that speak from the perspective of more diverse female protagonist archetypes. This has been a means of exploring different personality types as well as engaging in how they might approach the circumstances that they face.
Despite the plot expanding into events that are unlikely to happen to us as individuals, there are aspects of this book that can be related back to our everyday lives. Although I am not a psychologist in any way, I am curious and love to learn about the human condition which makes this a great opportunity to explore friendship variations.
Of course, this is just an exploration inspired by the book, and as a result doesn’t cover the entire spectrum of possibilities. So please read with discernment, and if you have any of your own experiences please feel free to share in the comments section.
In this email we’ll cover:
What’s New
Reflections
Insights
Closing Remarks
What’s New?
Book of the Week:
The Things We Do To Our Friends by Heather Darwent
Genre:
Psychological Thriller
Synopsis:
Clare is a new student at a University in Edinburgh who’s desperately trying to make a nnew life for herself. With a hidden past, she longs to start her life over, make new friends, and reinvent herself. With her eye on a certain group of students, she aims to fit in and be apart of the clique by any means necessary.
Why We Love It:
With less emphasis on any key takeaways that this read offers, this book is written in such a fantastic way. Although the storyline isn’t something that I’d ususally be drawn to, this book is interwoven with beautiful language, description, and has some fantastic plot twists that can really keep a reader hooked.
The book leans into themes of belonging and acceptance. There were moments when I also considered that Clare’s perspective and desire to fit inn often bordered the somewhat irrational, which were all intentionally incorporated by the author. Clare is intelligent, strategic, and psychologically fractured.
The incorporation of clues as well as the essence of Clare’s character are so seamlessly interwoven that it’s almost seductive to the reader. Although so much of the friendship interactions were toxic, the writing kept me present within the read. Ultimately, it serves as a cautionary reminder that just because something looks good, doesn’t mean that it actually is.
Key Message:
In my opinion, this book didn’t necessarily have a key message for readers to consider, other than that it was written for entertainment purposes. But thinking back on it, I did start to see it as more of a cautionary tale to practice discernment and spend time getting to know those around you before fully investing.
Even though we may not experience our protagonists journey as intensely as she did, relational aggression is much more prominent in our everyday relationships than I initially thought. even when it isn’t as a result of a personality disorder. Examples of this could be manipulation, peer pressure, gossip, or even exclusion as a form of control.
Especially if we’re the types of people to put an emphasis on our interpersonal relationships as a way of seeking support, it is only in our best interest to gain a sense of understanding about those around us and their intentions. In the right company, we can find each other thriving, however the opposite effect is also possible if we’re around the wrong people.
So being intentional with the kinds of relationships we want in our lives is essential to creating the kind of life that we want. Being around people that want the best for you, and visa versa, will create massive positive change in your life by boosting our confidence and stamina. Intentionality is the first step to finding the right people so that we may create better circumstances for ourselves.
Questions To Reflect On
Reflection Questions:
How do the actions and behaviors of my friends influence my sense of self-worth and personal growth?
What personal values and qualities do I prioritize in a friendship, and how do my current relationships align with these values?
How can I become more intentional about setting boundaries and choosing relationships that enhance, rather than diminish, my well-being?
Inviting More Positive Relationships Into Your Life:
Evaluate Current Relationships:
Reflect on each friendship and note how the person makes you feel after interactions. Does this friend leave you feeling empowered, or do they contribute to self-doubt and insecurity?
Recognize and Address Manipulation:
Action Step: Educate yourself on subtle forms of manipulation (e.g., passive aggression, exclusion, or gossip). Next time you suspect these behaviors, calmly distance yourself from the situation or engage in a candid conversation with the person about how their actions affect you.
Clarify Your Friendship Values:
Action Step: Write down the values and qualities you want in a friend, such as honesty, support, and mutual respect. Use this list as a guide when forming or maintaining friendships, asking yourself whether each relationship aligns with those values.
Set Healthy Boundaries:
Action Step: Practice setting boundaries by identifying what behaviors you will and will not accept in your friendships. When a boundary is crossed, respectfully but firmly communicate your discomfort and expectations to the friend.
Surround Yourself with Positive Influences:
Action Step: Seek out new friendships that embody the qualities and values you desire. Join communities or groups that align with your personal interests and values, increasing your chances of forming connections with like-minded individuals.
Insights and Inspiration
Author Spotlight:
Heather Darwent
Background:
Heather Darwent, originally from Yorkshire, initially moved to Scotland to study History of Art and the University of Edinburgh. Her debut novel “The Things We Do To Our Friends” was just released in 2023, so she’s now currently working on her next book.
Beyond the Book:
You can find a short written interview here with the author.
Closing Remarks
The quality of your life, especially your sense of self, is more dependent on the quality of your relationships than we might believe. So it’s important to know what it is you want out of life to avoid falling into unconscious patterns, which includes our friendships.
Intentionality is vital to cultivating the life you see yourself having because the quality of your friends will equate to the quality of your life. It can either enhance or reduce your life experience, as well as impact how you choose to move forward.
Women have so much to offer, especially within their female friendships, that it’s important to cultivate a social circle that will really lean into those qualities. Our levels of confidence, generosity, receptivity, health, intelligence, and experiences rely more on the quality of our relationships than we might initially believe.
So having a social circle that is supportive, kind, evolved, emotionally intelligent, and positively energized, will enhance our life experience all the more.
Until Next Time!
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